A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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