Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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