operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
