after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i will never coherently bang her
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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