Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
