Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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