So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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