Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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