There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
