just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
