he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
