Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
