i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
