In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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