I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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