it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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