Jerry, you need to find god
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
