Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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