You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
