I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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