When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
