i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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