I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize
