Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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