Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
