We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
