and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
