Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
