She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
