K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
