It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
