Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Did you just see the Batmobile???
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
