im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
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he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
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I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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