It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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