I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
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I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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