ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
