i think my mom watched the whole time
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
