well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
