If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm always down for nudity.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
