Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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