i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
