I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
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I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
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because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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