So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
