Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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