One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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