If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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