We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
