The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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