i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I want her autograph on my taint
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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