you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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