cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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