Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Found your dick twin last night
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
