Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
