She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
