Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
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No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
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That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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