I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
