i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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