We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
