now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
