You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
